Watching my little guy grow and develop into more and more of who he is is sheer delight. I love learning about him and seeing him through fresh eyes.
A long while ago I did some reading about basic personality types seen in children and immediately identified him as “slow to warm up”. In daycare, new situations, seeing friends or relatives he hadn’t seen in a while…he always took a while to show his true colors, and honestly, in the company of some people, he never did. I tried always to respect this trait, while also being tempted to break him out of his shell because I was so desperate to show people what a silly, happy, loud, articulate, loving kiddo I had.
Sadly that is not what many saw in him. They would say things like “Huh, he isn’t very outgoing/social/extroverted/friendly/smiley” when he was very young. Or my favorite, “He looks tired”….nope, he is just studying you very hard. These descriptions made me cringe, and at times, angry. He is a watcher, an observer. He will sit silently and seemingly stoically in new situations because he is taking it all in!! It broke my heart when I would see daycare workers gravitate towards the gregarious kiddos, and not have a kind thing to say about my beautiful boy. They did not really see him, and as a mother that was devastating.
I have recently come across two more affirming resources on the phase of play he prefers and the type of child he is. One is a post by Janet Lansbury about sensitive children. And the other is from the Tinkergarten blog about introversion and types of play. I love the sentiment of celebrating the onlooker! This is their strength. They observe and enter social situations when they are ready, and I have seen my little guy show so much understanding and empathy for others once he does decide to engage (I mean, he is not perfect, he makes mistakes and misreads situations, too).
I have begun learning great ways to support him in who he is:
1. Give him words to articulate how he is feeling. Are you feeling shy? Not shaping his self perception by telling him he is shy.
2. Preparing him for new situations by showing him pictures, videos, and reading books and talking about what it might be like.
3. Offer support to try new things, but never push it.
4. I am also slowly learning to stop worrying about him “missing out” when he chooses to observe, rather than engage, and just give him the space to do so.
Today, after all this reading and reflecting, I had another breakthrough. We were swimming at the local indoor pool. They have these spraying water features that are loud and a bit over-stimulating. They turned on while we were there and he turned to me excitedly, to point them out. I suggested he go check it out. He immediately froze and said “no”. I eased back and asked if he would like to just go closer and watch…he relaxed, smiled, and said “yeah”! Big moment! He eventually tried a few things out on his own before running back to his mama-safety-zone😀
A friendly reminder to all: if a kiddo seems reserved, don’t call him shy, and assume he has no social skills. Respect his space, let him come to you, be warm and accommodating…he just may surprise you! There are beautiful little people out there who get looked over because they seem too quiet or reserved…don’t ever let this deter you! You and they will never be the same if you take the extra moments to make them feel seen but not ambushed😉.
BeautifulBalancingAct 
We have the same child 🙂 Mine is a girl and now she is 4,5 years old. Until this year she was exactly as you described your son, she would “freeze” and act like she is filming the situation rather than living it. I was so insecure in the first 2 years, trying to explain even to my own parents that she was not weird or shy or introvert or.. You know all sorts.. But she is just very much into observing people and situations and slowly warms up when she feels secure. I then discovered she has this amazing ability of learning with only watching, not even by trial! It got me, she was just special in this way and she was kind of clever to try to secure herself.. Since she started kindergarten and found close connections and learned through them how to “socially behave”, she is much faster to warm up, eventhough we have still some problems of shyness especially in hobbies where she is now expected to join alone from the beginning, such as swimming, yoga etc.. while she wants to secure herself with mama’s presence at least for the first 2 times.. But most of that is impossible because we live in Germany and the society is very individualistic here, in which children at age 4 are expected to behave pretty independent. I try to promote her but I never force her to engage in new hobbies, because I know thats the worst thing to do.. but sometimes I envy those mothers who can leave their children to courses with a hand wave or a kiss sent fro 5 metres away 😀 Especially when I have another baby attached.. But anyways, they are amazing and very high scoring in emotional intelligence. Just the social one needs a bit motivation 🙂 sometimes..
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Thanks so much for sharing!! It’s great to hear other parents out there share their experiences! Your daughter sounds amazing! Keep up the good work, mama! She will have a beautiful life. I do hear the struggle between admiring and supporting our kiddos and also wishing some things were easier! Our little guy had his first dentist appointment yesterday…and it was roooooough. Ahhhh, well…you win some, you lose some!
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Some of us are still like this as adults….Well done, again!
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